I’m trying to hold a formidable countenance in the face of a blow from a completely unexpected corner.

earlier today my studio was broken into.
the thieves were bold; they absconded in broad daylight with my last half year of work.
on a crowded street and no one saw them.

i was at work at my new job in the pike place market.
it was kind of sad to be at work while pride was happening in the streets above me,
but i saw it as an opportunity to continue strategising my further entry into the art world.

the phone rang a little after 1 and it was my old cohort, ___.

pol, j just got to the studio and  he’s freaking out.
someone’s broken into the space and all his art supplies are gone.
the violated space

oh no. oh no. this can’t be real.
i was convinced that it had to be a mistake.
but it wasn’t. it isn’t.
on the phone with my fellow studio dwellers i had someone survey my space for my laptop.
gone.

i didn’t feel sick. i felt relieved.
i had backed up everything only days ago to an external harddrive.
i could lose one box secure in the knowledge that another would save me.

the computer is just a palette knife.
i didn’t want to lose the painting.
i consoled myself thinking of how smart i was to have backed up all my new photo essays and videos, my latest writings.
i’d lost a lot of digital media in the past and i had bought the drive to specifically avoid that scenario ever again. i even kept the drive in an obscure location away from the laptop to prevent someone from grabbing them both.

i couldn’t guess that my own personal thieves would be so meticulous as to destroy my rooms in their search for valuable cargo.

arriving at the space, i went straight to recover the drive.
i’d take it to a friend’s to leave for safe keeping until we could further secure the place.
but i opened the door to my rooms and realized that wasn’t going to happen.
the motherfuckers had tossed my things every which way.
my violated space 2

my books were dumped on the floor. except for my noboyushi araki volumes; they were gone.
favorite sweat shirt: gone.
two laptops: gone.
new audio inbox for making digital noise: gone.

but the only thing that mattered was that the back up drive should be there.
and you can already see the arc of this tale so you know where this this is going.

today i lost something i can never replace.
two different photo essays on strange objects of everydayness from korea, japan and the states.
4 different sets of nudes i had planned to publish over the next year as a series of handmade books.
my first forays into video art. about 7 near completed pieces.
and a lot of writing. a lot of writing.

i just felt sort of null.
as if a part of me was gone forever.

i got dumped earlier this year by the person who might have been the culmination of every desire i have.
and that nauseous sensation of despair i felt that night is approximately similar to what i am feeling now.
and it makes sense: all my approaches to my own work come from my confrontations with love and sex.
so now i am impotent and heartworn.
and some one has breeched my area.

well, thank god for booze.
i am drinking the first of what might be many beers and soon i will go to a secret convocation of seattle poets to gaze through a telescope at heavenly wonders.
and apparently we will be requested to read a lot of verse of a cosmologically significant nature.

sounds good.
my whole life just dropped into the sky.
i could use a fluid tongue.

perhaps the only way that this can be viewed without risking personal destruction is as a meditation on moving on. not that that is an easy choice. i could just as happily drink myself into oblivion over it. but i think i’ll have to find a more positive approach to survival.

you know, i wish i could i drop some crazy photos into this post that have next to nothing to do with the text, but the lousy creeps also took my camera cable.

ah, pathos. and i am not even angry at the thieves. just hurt. really quite hurt.

Best (to) Face Forward | 2008 | Event, Writing | Tags: , | Comments (17)

17 Responses to “Best (to) Face Forward”

  1. elrey says:

    i love you.

  2. joshua says:

    FUck. Oh my god. This is horror. I am so so so sorry. this is so shocking and horrific. Are you SUUUUUUREEE they got the drive? Oh god. This is bad. Pol im so sorry. Ill keep my eyes peeled for a new computer in the mean time…. Im so sorry…

  3. jherek says:

    hey dude. i am so sorry!!!! i am going to back up my shit right now and leave it at my parents house. that is my worst nightmare. i will by you a drank.
    xoxo
    j

  4. Noah says:

    I would try to find all of your things. Have you got serial numbers, like perhaps on the paperwork that came with the laptops and drive when you bought them? Can you make the rounds of pawn shops, contact Craigslist, keep your friends on the lookout for the more distinctive items? Your belongings are out there, old boy. It would be a mistake to give up on them without putting forth a great effort to get them back.

  5. keely says:

    Pol, My heart goes out to you. What a loss; what a violation.

  6. lizzie cole says:

    Pol, I am so sorry this happened! Ughghghghghgh. Are you ok?

  7. sorry Pol — that just ain’t right.

  8. Wow….I’m so sorry to hear this! This is so fucked on so many levels. I feel your pain with the hard drive… irreplaceable. Mother fuckers… hugs to you.

  9. artofmulata says:

    you know, it’s so nice to hear from so many at one time… i got lots of phone calls and text messages last night, too. people kept asking, “what can we do for you? what can we do?” and, boring sap that i am, my only reply was, “you’re my friend; just keep doing that. it’s more than any of us deserves, the friendship of another…”

    i am a sap.

    but hey, everybody, each of you, it is wonderful and cheering and even sobering in its way to hear from you all. and thank you.

    and for anyone wondering, no i did not go out and get raging drunk in my sadness last night. i really did participate in a stargazing with a gang of really sweet poets. and drank black currant juice. with delicious slices of home-made rhubarb and raspberry pie… waaaay better than booze!

  10. cabalamuse says:

    Pol, I just learned. It’s a terrible thing, my brother, and I am sorry it happened. You lost a lot, but it all came from you. Keep being the artist that you are. Keep creating. This will sound so Nietzschean and cliche – you will come out a better person out of this experience. I’m coming back to the States in July. I will try and make it to Seattle. Dinner and drinks on me. I’ll buy you a couple of sturdy door locks too. Cheers, brother.

  11. anne says:

    oh pol. so fucking awful. if you could use help patrolling craigslist/pawnshops/the world/etc. for any of yr stuff, lemme know. in the meantime, steve and i will bake you a pie.

  12. artofmulata says:

    you know what? well wishes and condolences from friends are the best anti-venom i have ever had. i know i said i was bitter yesterday, but it’s leaking out. thank you everyone. i have no love for nostalgia, but i have a deep respect for sympathy. it’s easy to reminisce about the old times (when life was simpler/better/yecch…), but to actually emote. it may not set us apart from our fellow beasts, but it does separate us from. shit. i’ve lost my metaphor.

    quick. someone save me. oh. you already did.
    thanks, loves.

  13. reignspot says:

    The motherfuckers. Noah is so right, don’t let it go. Work for it.

    d’Addio

  14. Alea Monster says:

    mmm.. Pol.

    My eyes teared up reading this. I’ve got a lump in my throat for you. I know how devastating it can be to lose so much work, things you’ve invested such deep passion into. I can only wish you the very best.
    I feel like the last couple of weeks have been crazy. I don’t even know where to start. My personal life… Just life in general. Things feel polarized to me right now. If you ask I will share.

    I miss you a bunch and love to read your words…

    If you ever want to escape down to the bay area…
    I’m your girl.

  15. Little sis says:

    Hey. Don’t you use apple computers? I heard of this woman recovering her stolen computer by logging into it remotely and turning on the camera. It snapped a photo of the person using it and she was able to recover it. I’m not familiar with the new macs, but if it can work, you should try that.

    Sorry for your loss. Love you!

  16. […] Best (to) Face Forward …the phone rangh a little after 1 and it was my old cohort … i just felt sort of null. as if a part of me was gone forever. i got dumped… […]

  17. sohaila adela says:

    pol, i am speachless. i am really shocked. you are going to be in my thoghts, i am so so sorry for your loss. there is no sence in it, exept maybe you are going to becom stronger by getting through this loss. you did not lose what created all of it. you are still here.
    i am here if you need anything.
    soso